the txt msg blog part II

philosophizing (me)

"yeah... like at one point we decided/realized that... idk i just don't believe God only takes christians into heaven
cuz like i said to her, besides me being not too certain about it all
my best friend is agnostic
and my brother is atheist
and you are two of the people i see God in most, you have saved more lives and made more happy days than can be counted.
i know you, i know how amazing and beautiful you are, and i refuse to believe that either of you will be barred from heaven when i know SO many christians who aren't worth nearly as much.

i can't believe in a God, or a heaven, that could condemn you or my brother
for any reason
especially for questioning the God we see everybody wearing on their sleeves like some kind of.... jewelry, title
i can't believe in a God like that."
--(circa January)


"life is so complicated. i feel like, the lives we lead, you know, middle-class, my dad in the other room stoking the fire and talkin to the cat, my mom asleep, only touch one small part of life.. how we have our own small worries that seem so big... but then there's people worried about food, and other people worried about some boy , and other people worried about getting mugged or raped. and they seem hugely important to the person they concern even though those things aren't equal at all.
and whenever you think you've found some theory that fits everything, like 'beauty is power' or w/e
it only fits one section of life where people care about power, where power matters
when power really only exists if someone is trying to take it away
and it seems like maybe we all realize every now and then that our view of life, this one way most people seem to view it, in terms of power and such, is only like one fragment of life, because life is so much more complicated than that.

like.. whether or not i go to school tomorrow, or if i were to go cuss out my dad right now, or whether or not i go steal a million dollars, or anything else i should or shouldnt do
that only matters on one level, where i care about what other people think and do
where everything is held in place by the threat of what happens if i dont do what smn likes, like if i show up at school stark naked tomorrow
and you know sometimes we break the rules but thats more for the thrill of doing something smn doesnt like than anything, not b/c we dont care about the rules
b/c if i didnt care what ppl thought, i wouldnt wear clothes or id dress like a colonial settler or w/e, etc.
but all of that is just one level of life, one level of perception, which we mostly all see in
where life is more complicated than that.
do you know what i mean?

like, it's that feeling you get at a funeral where someone you knew and loved and knew wouldn't ever die, dies
and then you see two chicks fighting over what one of them said about the other's boyfriend last weekend when she was drunk
and you just think, 'how the fuck can anybody care about that? how the fuck is that important?'

i swear this is an epiphany. i feel like i just realized something incredible about life that i never noticed before. i mean, i was crying vefore and angry and stressed and confused. but when i realized this, all of that went away."
--(circa January)


"you know, people are so paradoxical
b/c we are all scared of change, else why would we preserve EVERYTHING
moments in photographs and books and music, our possessions by vainly trying to block out nature by boxing them into a house, etc.
but we are so eager for change we force it, changing the landscape and the atmosphere and laws and people and situations and our lives and our beliefs and our clothes
God, we're all a bunch of busy-bodies"
--(March)