life

i never wrote about the last week of summer. i think i've just now got my thoughts sorted out enough to do it.
i counseled. and i still don't know if i did a good job. and that still bothers me a little bit. i think maybe, i hope, that after i do it more i'll get more comfortable with it and be able to know i did good. and it was also weird, because i haven't been to a main camp since '05.
wilderness '06, wilderness twice in '07, backpacking & wilderness in '08, backpacking & wilderness in '09.

and there were parts of being a counselor, the backstage view, i didn't like. i've been told that you lose a lot of the innocence of Lakeshore when you become a counselor. and it's true. and in some ways, for some people, i didn't like that. there were some people who i wish would've watched themselves a little more closely to see whether what they were doing was good and pure and right. and i didn't like how, when we were planning worship, the whole team seemed to approach it as a chore sometimes, and we had so much trouble focusing. when all the camper worships i've done (albeit, all at Wilderness) were focused, and we tried our hardest to keep it about God. but i know that none of us are perfect.

but some things i did like about the backstage view. being able to see some people for who they are as a full person, not just the face they show campers, and liking them even more for that. being a peer to people i care so much about. getting to laugh so much every time i was around the other counselors. having the freedom to view Lakeshore as a full place. having responsibilities. being trusted with responsibilities.

i didn't like Alix not being there. but i did. and i think it was good, because we would have relied way too much on each other when things were hard, and it would have been easy to neglect the campers.

it's an odd transition from camper to counselor, especially for someone like me who can and will come back as a camper for at least a couple more summers. but once you become a counselor, and i don't know if this is true because i haven't been back to a camp yet, i feel like you are always a counselor. because you've lost so much of the innocence. and you've gained so much freedom--the office, the library, the kitchen, supplies. and you've gained SO much responsibility.

it was hard, and i really tried to make my campers happy. and i've lost the impression that all counselors are these amazing, wonderful people who have great motives for everything. b/c i know now that some of them don't even have great motives for many things. but i also saw that even as normal people, some (many) counselors ARE good people. even when they're struggling and lost, even in their faults.

it was hard, and i don't know if i did a good job. people told me i did. i hope i did. i tried. i really tried. the responsibility, the work, i didn't understand before i started. i knew it was there, because i'd been told. but i didn't understand it, really. keeping track of, cheering up, lifting up, listening to, 10 kids, making sure they have what they need, that they don't get hurt (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually), that they eat and sleep well, that they're having fun. when it comes to a conflict between what you want and what they want, knowing how and being able to put their wants first. staying constantly vigilant (harry potter reference) to every camper, that they don't feel left out, that they're growing. not wandering off with other counselors when you're tired and worn down, but instead being with your kids. when you have a few kids who refuse to participate, who refuse to be happy, who drag others down. listening to them complain and/or whine and/or talk constantly about home and/or trash Lakeshore (Lakeshore! the place you love!), and having the self-control to do what needs to be done to make them happy and get them involved, instead of snapping right back. having self-control to not say things that your campers will take wrong, to not snap at them when you would other people, to be incredibly patient, to keep going when you're tired, to be in control of yourself.

but even considering all that, i can think back and say it was an amazing week. because i think some of my campers really did have a great time. and there were moments of pure, absolute beauty. and i know i tried. and when i think back to all the things that happened, all the happy moments, and all the transformations i watched my kids go through, and how well i got to know those kids, and all the changes i watched happen in myself, it feels like a month, or more, instead of one short week.

i think everyone should counsel before they become an adult, have kids, gain responsibilities. there are so many lessons that i learned from it. i learned about dealing with kids (sidenote:most adults think just like kids, i believe, especially in times of stress. they just know how to hide it better.) who are uncomfortable, & kids that are depending on you. i learned how much work they are. i learned some of what it's like to really be in charge of yourself, having to take care of not just yourself but also 10 others. i learned a lot about where i am able to step up, and where i fail. i lost a lot of my super-confidence that i can handle any situation flawlessly, and gained a much more realistic perspective of my abilities. i found areas i need to work on. i felt what it's like to have the world not centered around me at all, and be centering my world around 10 little kids. i learned more about how to find God, and peace, in times of stress. i learned how to be happy. and so much more. i grew a whole lot, and watched other people grow. i figured a lot of things about my life out. i think.... if you aren't ready to do that, to find your faults and take responsibility for them, to put others before yourself, to not be the center of the world, to be able to question yourself, to get worn-down and worn-out and still do the job you've committed to doing, if you aren't able to do those things, you aren't ready to be an adult. and just because you are ready for those things, doesn't necessarily mean you are ready to be an adult. maybe during that whole process you will find within yourself things that need to change and areas where you need to mature before you are ready, and by that time you will hopefully have the maturity to accept them.