transitions

right now... i feel like i'm in the middle of a big transition

maybe cuz i just got back from new york? (which is beautiful and vast and gritty and enchanting, love that city)

just... the normalcy of my life has kind of fluctuated a little

new york made me remember that there's a lot of world outside tennessee.

i'm trying to figure out where to go with my running...

i miss going to youth, cuz i haven't been able to make it to first methodist in a couple weeks, and that's really important to me

i've finally started coping with the fact that i'm losing some old friends. they're always gonna be my friends, but they're just not big in my life right now. maybe i'm not making enough effort, maybe they're not, or maybe it's not any of our faults but caused by decisions from others that we couldn't affect. but i've tried so hard for so long and it's just not working. so now i'm in the process of trying to make new friends where i am right now, from the people that are around me. cuz for a long time after i moved to public school, i was friendly with people around me but didn't feel the need to really open up myself and become true best friends with most anybody there. but now i'm finally trying to. and it's exciting and cool and really scary at the same time.
because i hate being vulnerable. i hate putting myself out there where people can hurt me. and it hurts to see the people i'm losing, but i can't tell myself anymore that our friendships are staying the same they always were. so i'm moving on. because everybody else already has.

it's terrifying to me to be getting close to new people. cuz for one thing i look around and see all these people that i've been holding off, counting on my old friends. and now i just can' t anymore. and it's like suddenly i'm surrounded by all these opportunities for new friendships and for me to grow, and grow up. but at the same time every person around me is an opportunity for me to get hurt. and i know i will get hurt--that's not pessimism, it's the truth. but i'd rather be hurt every now and then than be alone. and it's really nice to have some new people that i can count on.

new church. new friends. i'm trying to fit this into my life, with my old friends that are still stickin around. and it's actually kind of working. at least i'm finally moving forward.